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 [Arich Derun] / [Character Registration] WIP

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Devilshredder
Genin


Posts : 2
Ryo : 400

PostSubject: [Arich Derun] / [Character Registration] WIP   Sat Nov 03, 2012 1:20 am













First Name:Arich
Last Name:Derun
Gender:Male
Height:5'10"
Weight:125 lbs.
Age:19
Birthday:April 21

Village:Subsidiary Household of Huoshangakure
Rank:Chuunin
Elements:Fire
Specializations:Kenjutsu



Personality:Arich is a Brave, Loyal, Passionate but Distant and Cold person. In a way similar to a dandere personality archetype, he is encased in a hard and rather distant shell. Despite his exterior, he exhibits an undying, unwavering passionate bigbrother type of love for his comrades. He will never just give up and let his teammates down, and will gladly give his life to further his team's progress. He will never show it, but he does have a warm heart.

Likes:Arich doesn't "like" much. He has hobbies, of which include cloudwatching, taking long solitary walks, and just being alone. He has grown into such, being orphaned at a young age and having nothing but time and space to work out thoughts and personality. He doesn't mind company, though he does prefer isolation. His biggest like, however, is being a help to those he holds closest to his heart. He is also a very avid scholar.
Dislikes:A very quick way to get on Arich's bad side would either to be too raucous or loud, or too coy or shy. Beating around the bush with a conversation irritates Arich. People taunting him or teasing him presses buttons that no other irritant ever could. Pestering Arich will force out his inner strength.

Motivation:Arich's parents were on a mission of reconnasainse(sp?) when they were compromised. They were killed on the spot. His sister had heart issues and passed away shortly after. Being a 4 year old orphan, taken in by Konoha at 13, he has learned not vengeance, but a thirst for it. He had become a very distant teenager, refusing teachings until he was 16. Being the oldest in all of his classes, he was further alienated and teased. Now, at 19, all he feels is rage, however he does know how to keep it from consuming him, having 15 years to struggle with it.

Fears:Arich's biggest fear is being a burden. He has dealt with being one to the Konoha Village since he was 4 years old and would like to advance to become an asset, rather than a burden. He would rather be the camel, than the pack it carries. The only other real fear he feels is a fear of dying in vain. He isn't scared to die, but is scared that he won't do anything substantial enough to help his team; Happy to martyr and sacrifice for his teammates and friends.



Clan Name Here

Bloodline:Derun
Bloodline Ability:Surietsu; A bloodline linked blade. It always has a way of reaching the heir of its cursed presence.
Location:The Derun household is located a short ways away from Huoshangakure, not technically a part of the village, but under the law and protection of the Honokage
Clan History:The Derun family line goes back as far as surnames go, the first Derun named just Derun. His offspring were given first names and the Derun surname. Migrants from the Land of the Mists, they settled down long before the first even thought of a Village in the area. However, The Derun Estate was one of few buildings that survived the harsh environment, somehow resisting the elements that defeat most other life in the country. The Derun househead decided it was necessary to be a sort of subsidiary of the Village, and has been ever since.
Shortly after the decision had been made, Arich's parents had left for a reconnaisance mission. They were met with a rather unfortunate demise. Arich's sister took care of him, falling deathly ill with a heart-eating disease not long after. Not a single medic was able to save her rapidly decaying state, and she was also taken from the young boy. Arich has since been head of house, not yet sewing the oats to produce an heir, and learning how to deal with all the responsibilities he has grown into over his lonely life.



History:

Chapter 1: Roots, Bloody Roots

"We must go... take care of young Arich, will you Sariina? We shouldn't be gone too long, its just a little reconnaisance." The middle aged bright silver haired man told his daughter.
"Sure Father, no problem!" The young 15 year old maiden responded with gusto.
Left alone to tend to the young boy, the girl coughed up a rather unhealthy amount of blood. Little did Arich know, his sister was slowly dying. Sariina wasn't sure what was wrong with her, her whole body had ached and she had intense chest pains, and increasingly terrible blood coughs.
The news came in late at night a week after. Sariina knew it had to be bad, if the Anbu Black Ops were delivering the memo. 10 days until Arich's birthday and his parents wouldn't be there to see it. Sariina was crushed so hard by the sudden grief that her condition sped out of control. She spent the last month of her life on what little life support could sustain her. Arich had officially been orphaned at just age 4.
Konoha had left him to his own for almost 10 whole years, before deciding to take him in to become a ninja of the Konohagakure Village.
His trials left him wanting the calmness of the clouds. He had been fascinated by them. The village people had helped him, a nice charity until he came of age enough to get his own sustenance. Years and years of being alone except for the clouds had left him drained and cold. He had made a vow to one day be one with the clouds. He had made a vow to one day repay the villagers, and anyone else that had or will help him in his life. He had made the vow to one day avenge his parents. He had made those vows, and he was going to follow through on them.

Chapter 2: School Sucks!

"ARICH! WAKE UP!" Iruka-sensei hounded at the dozing young man.
"I am up. just... resting my eyes." Arich responded nonchalantly, not even raising his head. The whole class laughed, not knowing that their laughter was killing him even more inside each time they react to what they found humourous. Iruka approached him, kneeling to his level, and looked into the tuft of hair as it shook silently. Arich was crying, and Iruka knew it. He let him be, hushing the class. The lesson continued on without him.
"Hey, Arich. Is everything okay?" A young pinkhaired girl from a class above his had asked him for the millionth time.
"I'm... fine..." He replied, rather unenthusiastically. He hated being pestered like this by her, but he couldn't deny that she was his only thing close to family he had, and they barely KNEW each other.
"Are you sure? Would you like to be alone? I won't bother you if that's what you'd like"
He nodded, then shook his head.
"Stay, just... please don't talk so much... please?" He looked up at her with a pleading in his eyes. All she could do was nod in compliance, and hug him tight.
Over the course of the graduation exam prep and even into team assignment he was silently snickered at. He paid little mind, but couldn't help be let it get to him every now and then. He knew he shouldn't let them get to him, but the people he HAD to consider his friends had a new affect on him than when he just shared a class with them. He now was going to be put into a group with 2 of them, and he didn't enjoy the presence of any one of them. Peers? Peers don't ridicule you for being the victim of a travesty 10 years ago. No, these people were just labeled as friends, at least for now...

Chapter 3: Becoming a Genin, Coming of Age, and the Chunnin exams

Squad 9's only mission they ever got sent out on was one that proved they were ready. Even their Jonnin squad leader was unsure how they wound up with a high priority assassination mission. They made their work as effeciently as possible. They scouted their target for a whole 2 weeks, seeking the perfect opportunity. Arich felt a personal attachment to this whole mission. They were cut short however, due to each member of squad 9 needing to return home to their parents for some occassion or other. The Chunnin exams were just a month away and Arich knew he'd have to become one before he could finish this mission. It was just too important to pass up, to him it was. He had a sinking feeling that his revenge rested upon becoming a Chunnin in time to complete this mission.
The day of the chunnin exams "Forest" test. He had showed up with Surietsu, the family sword strapped to his back. He didn't know why, but he just knew he had to have it with him. Little did he know he would need it.
Not even 30 minutes into the test and he had instinctively drawn it. He had instinctively cut several people. He did not care, not at the time. But as he and his squad made it through, he realized the damage he caused. He told himself if he could help it, he wouldn't ever draw Surietsu again. Instead, he would get it checked out and learn it. He would master whatever evil lived inside.
His chunnin matchup was a quick success, he won by forfeit; the fright of what had happened in the forest was too much for his opponent. He had become a monster in his own right, and he would use that to pass the exams, which he did. With more than flying colors.
He was a chunnin, and he had a mission to do. One that only he, for whatever reason was drawing him to it, could complete. And he KNEW he had to use the sword...

Chapter 4: Now.

He's been chunnin for a year now, preparing his mind and body for his upcoming mission. At 19 years old, he had a hateful spite in his heart, but he knew he had other responsibilities leading into his big moment. He HAD to fulfill his training, he IS fulfilling his training... Now.

RP Sample:


Last edited by Devilshredder on Sun Nov 04, 2012 2:14 am; edited 8 times in total (Reason for editing : Finishing up, will be done Sunday)
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Akenomyōsei
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PostSubject: Re: [Arich Derun] / [Character Registration] WIP   Sat Nov 03, 2012 1:52 am

I'll start with the font. For future reference, make sure you put spaces in between the yellow font of the template and your own info. Makes the app easier to read.

Also. Go into detail with your personality. Look at my application for an example of how you should explain your traits.

Also. Make sure you fill in your village info, specializations, elements, and rank you're going for, like genin, chuunin, etc. After making these changes, bump the topic.

(When finished with the edits, just type in the box below your post and type "bump" and submit.)
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Skar
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PostSubject: Re: [Arich Derun] / [Character Registration] WIP   Sat Nov 03, 2012 11:04 am

Akenomyesei, I don't know who told you to go over this, or if you just find kindness in your heart, but for future reference, you're not a staff member and therefore have no power to approve character applications.

So, I will start from the top to attempt to fix this mess.

Firstly, he clearly has a "WIP" in his app title, meaning that he is not done. Telling him to fill out the rest of the blanks was unnecessary as he probably knew to do so already, and he just wasn't done with the app yet. Technically, because there is a WIP in the title, you shouldn't have even began going over this with him yet, but since you have, I have to fix it.

Now, Arich Derun, do not look at his app as an example. Simply make sure all of the sections in the "Personality" category are filled out in detailed paragraph format, which is one of our character creation rules. For those that you actually already have in paragraph format, make sure you expand on those to make them more detailed and much longer.

You have to choose a rank. Everyone on this site is required to apply as a Genin, Chuunin, Special Jounin, Jounin, or S-rank (Even though all of those ranks are locked right now other than Chuunin and Genin). We do not allow people to register as academy students on this site, so I apologize.

One thing Ake did get right however was that you need to put a space in between each title of each section and the text that you enter in. Makes the application look less cluttered.

Fix everything I told you to do (because I am a Global Moderator, I know what I'm talking about, and it is my job), and then simply finish your application when you deem it convenient. When you have finished your app, just bump it and I will continue going over it with you.

PS: Our account names are always what our character names are on this site as well, so I will change your account name to Arich (Or Arich Derun if you so choose) when your character is approved.


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Dominic Edrick
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PostSubject: Re: [Arich Derun] / [Character Registration] WIP   Sat Nov 03, 2012 4:43 pm

Ake is Omega and Omega is a staff in training and char app looks like a perfect place to start. Although he crossed his boundaries in an app that had nothing to do with him previously, this one is a different story. I do believe wip apps get interjected all the time on here, and I can provide plenty of examples. Don't downgrade someone who is showing initiative when we can't seem to get our own things in line to help this site grow for it shows no class. A simple conversation in the cb with him or a pm would have been fine to get your answer. This person is someone he knows personally as well so it is the best place for him to start, for they will show more patience with his process. He is allowed to continue if this user wishes for him to.

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Skar
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PostSubject: Re: [Arich Derun] / [Character Registration] WIP   Sat Nov 03, 2012 4:48 pm

Fine, but my corrections still apply. And in the future, if you make "promotions" or grant special permissions, I suggest that you let the rest of your staff team know, lest you forget you have one.

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Devilshredder
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PostSubject: Re: [Arich Derun] / [Character Registration] WIP   Sat Nov 03, 2012 6:50 pm

The only thing I have a question about is the RP sample, if someone could give me a little pointer there, I'll be able to finish it up (I think) Thank you guys all for the help you've given me so far, I'll get into the groove pretty quick once I get rolling ^.^
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Dominic Edrick
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PostSubject: Re: [Arich Derun] / [Character Registration] WIP   Sat Nov 03, 2012 7:29 pm

Your RP Sample is how you post on forums. Depending on rank, your post quality needs to be excellent. So a great example of how you post is needed to gauge your experience on forum sites.

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PostSubject: Re: [Arich Derun] / [Character Registration] WIP   Sun Nov 04, 2012 12:31 am

Elaborate on the bloodline ability. It is too vague. Though, once your character is approved Your clan willneed to be separately approved in a different topic.

Next thing. Everywhere you mentioned areas relating to the show, take them out. Use the villages on the site and the site's map for reference.

When done, bump. (after you also finish your RP sample section)(and to the staff, I'll be using my other character after this post. Sorry for the confusion.)
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