HomeCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Fuma clan

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Kataro Fuma
Genin


Posts : 49
Ryo : 6100

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
160/160  (160/160)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Wed Sep 19, 2012 8:42 pm

Done

______________________________________________________________________________
Spoiler:
 
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Akuto
S-Rank
avatar

Posts : 83
Ryo : 9400

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
320/320  (320/320)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:09 pm

Alright, there's quite a bit wrong with this application, so bear with me in this approval process. We're going to take this step by step to minimize confusion.

Firstly, your Kekkei Genkai. All it seems to me is that you took two weapons and gave them an ability that you can simply buy on a registered weapon if you really wanted to. Other than the Ice Release ability, the rest of the Kekkei Genkai seems useless in my opinion. So are you sure you don't want to change it? Also, in the Kekkei Genkai, it says that the ice you create using that ability is unbreakable? Definitely way too overpowered, especially because their aren't any rank requirements, post requirements, and absolutely no drawbacks at all to getting it. In my opinion, you need a new idea to add to your Kekkei Genkai to accompany the ice release. The sword abilities are sloppy, very overpowered, and even if you left that ability in after all this moderation, you would have to take out some of your clan jutsu to register these blade techniques as jutsu, just like the abilities on any other weapon.

So, unless you want to deal with all that, and a lot more moderation afterwards on the Kekkei Genkai, I suggest you completely revamp it, and replace the sword abilities.

Also, while you're at it, we need to deal with the sloppiness of this app. Just like with your character app, this is very very sloppy. Every other word is misspelled, there is no punctuation, there are run-on sentences galore (like the first sentence of the Clan History for just one example), and it's just overall very messy. You need to correct most to all of these simple mistakes before we move on, because frankly, the app is difficult for me to read because I can't comprehend most of the things with all the grammar mistakes.

Fix these things and bump.

______________________________________________________________________________
"Quoth the Raven..
Nevermore."



Spoiler:
 
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Kataro Fuma
Genin


Posts : 49
Ryo : 6100

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
160/160  (160/160)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:13 pm

bite me on the grammer mistakes I may not be the best speller in the world and yes I know some of the misspelled words are simple ones but my comp is stubborn sometimes and makes it very hard to type even the most simple of words :/

______________________________________________________________________________
Spoiler:
 
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Takeshi
Hebikage
avatar

Posts : 615
Ryo : 22500

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
320/320  (320/320)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:16 pm

Note: These are clan jutsu not jutsu made exclusive for you so don't reference yourself in them unless Kataro was the person that created it IC or something and you feel that it is worth mentioning. Also, grammar will be dealt with or this will be ignored.

______________________________________________________________________________
Links:
 

funny junk:
 



Back to top Go down
View user profile
Kataro Fuma
Genin


Posts : 49
Ryo : 6100

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
160/160  (160/160)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:29 pm

-_- alright I'll work on famous clan members from the past okay also please ignore the bite me its been a long day and I'm rather pissed :<

______________________________________________________________________________
Spoiler:
 
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Akuto
S-Rank
avatar

Posts : 83
Ryo : 9400

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
320/320  (320/320)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:56 pm

Alright, well the Kekkei Genkai still needs a lot of work. For starters, this isn't a clan ability, it's a weapon ability. And secondly, you have a lot of grammar mistakes still. And thirdly, you state that these abilities only apply to you and your weapons in the first sentence, therefore making it so that no other clan members get those abilities.

The concept you're trying to hit with the Kekkei Genkai is just too... wrong. You need a new Kekkei Genkai, plain and simple. Keep ice release, but change the Kekkei Genkai, because that concept just isn't going to work.

______________________________________________________________________________
"Quoth the Raven..
Nevermore."



Spoiler:
 
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Akuto
S-Rank
avatar

Posts : 83
Ryo : 9400

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
320/320  (320/320)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:57 pm

Also, if you tell me to bite anything one more time, I will reject this clan on the basis of administration disrespect. I was only trying to do my job, and I wasn't mean about it in any way, so don't test me. Make the edits and then bump.

______________________________________________________________________________
"Quoth the Raven..
Nevermore."



Spoiler:
 
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Kataro Fuma
Genin


Posts : 49
Ryo : 6100

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
160/160  (160/160)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:40 am

Clann app done :/

______________________________________________________________________________
Spoiler:
 
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Lee
Chūnin
avatar

Posts : 59
Ryo : 4100

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
280/280  (280/280)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Sun Oct 07, 2012 6:49 pm

Alright.. I.. I can't do this. But I will tell you one thing. Jutsu descriptions are descriptions of what the jutsu can do, not their histories. You need to fix that. And you need to fix the grammar before anyone will even go over this app. Also, the kekkei genkai can't be that you can just turn a flower into any weapon of your choosing. If you're going to do that, each flower transformation needs to be registered as a jutsu.

That's all I'm going to say for now. But I won't be going over this clan. There's so much wrong with it, and I honestly don't know where to start.

______________________________________________________________________________
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Takeshi
Hebikage
avatar

Posts : 615
Ryo : 22500

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
320/320  (320/320)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Sun Oct 07, 2012 10:22 pm

In addition to Lee's comments there is already an ice clan on this site that was completed a long time ago and is very far into the approval process. The staff will look over this to see what will happen but normally duplicate abilities are dismissed (if I remember correctly I spoke with you about this already). And I agree, your grammar and spelling in this is simply terrible (no offense) and we have kept a standard so far of keeping those things well maintained in all apps whether it be a clan app like this or a single jutsu. Meaning they will HAVE to be fixed before we mess with this.

______________________________________________________________________________
Links:
 

funny junk:
 



Back to top Go down
View user profile
Skar
Tsurukage
avatar

Posts : 357
Ryo : 12806

Ninja Info Card
Chakra:
320/320  (320/320)

PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   Sun Oct 07, 2012 11:16 pm

Alright, I'm just going to come right out and say it.

I hate to be alike to a certain Swedish man, but this needs to be done. The unprofessionality of this application is too overwhelming. We've been talking to you about the grammar for weeks now, and you haven't improved anything at all. Also, the clan ability is too vague. Paired with that, every single one of the jutsus are completely irrational to decipher. None of them give any example of what they do, they only give histories of each jutsu. I can't even get close to figuring out where you're coming from with a lot of them, and I can usually always do that. On top of all of these very very significant errors, we already have an ice clan almost done (that is much more well put together and almost complete), and usually we keep advanced elements in clans to being one per clan, unless something has changed since I figured that out. And in your history, that little jip in the history about you being a writer is very unprofessional and sloppy, and judging by your spelling abilities and excessive run-on sentences, incorrect.

So in hindsight, I can barely even fathom how many things are wrong with this clan. I suggest you just join a pre-existing clan.

I wouldn't be so harsh, but we've been bringing all of these issues up to you for weeks since you initially started this clan, and you haven't fixed a single thing despite everything we've tried to help you with.

Until you completely flip it around, this clan is officially denied.

______________________________________________________________________________


Spoiler:
 


Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Fuma clan   

Back to top Go down
 
Fuma clan
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» New CLAN : Brutes_NeVeR_DIE
» Omicron Provisional Galaxy of Clan Blood Spirit
» Clan Skryer 2250
» Clan Eshin 2000 pts
» Clan | Die alten Haudegen

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Naruto Savage Lands :: Shinobi Info Cards :: Clan Creation-
Jump to: